Ten Years After "Pastoring"

Preaching circa 2008

“Are you still a Pastor?” I was asked this question yesterday by a dear older lady from the church I used to lead. What’s the answer? I don’t know. Am I? Am I not? I mean, I have the card in my wallet and an ordination plaque on my wall. I am part of our group of district pastors. But, do I “pastor” people? I don’t know. Ask the people in my life. Ask my family. Ask the Integer Network team I lead. I think they would be the only ones with the authority to answer that question. 

What I do know is that her question made me reflect. What I do know is that this month marks TEN YEARS since “leaving the Pastorate” and it’s taken me most of the last decade to figure out who I actually am!!  What I also know is that the vocational role of “Pastor,” if understood as leading a church and preaching every Sunday, had a way of convoluting my identity like nothing else I’ve experienced in my life. It was a Job. But I mistook it for my personhood.  I am still not totally sure what it is or why this happens. But what I experienced (and many other Pastors I know have also experienced) is that “Pastor” becomes WHO YOU ARE, not what you do. And here’s the deal: our identity can only be found in WHO we are, not WHAT job we work or role we carry out. That simply just never works! Roles can feed our sense of self but cannot serve as our center, our foundation. The only root that lasts is our belovedness and value given to us by God, who declares us fully loved and completely accepted, with or without any role. 

I miss many things about “Pastoring”- communicating weekly, leading a community of faith, loving so many people, caring for a team of other leaders, seeing people grow and transform in faith….but I do not miss being blind. I do not miss the way my ego stayed unchecked and hidden. I do not miss the confusion I lived with about who I actually was. I do not miss the ridiculous expectations others carried for the holy man. And I am NOT suggesting that this is the experience of every Pastor. I know it isn’t. It was MY experience. And I have spent the last ten years finding Noah. And I like him, whether he leads anything or not! Whether he is on a stage or not. In fact, I am busy discovering things I never knew I liked. And I am having so much fun and living with more freedom than I ever have in my life.

The future is bright. And I reckon I will “Pastor” for the rest of my life…if Pastoring means loving people and shepherding their hearts. If it is about caring for, teaching and protecting people, count me in! So, I guess the answer is yes. Ten years later, I am still a Pastor. In fact, I feel more capable of loving more deeply today than I ever have. So, maybe I am more of a Pastor now than I have ever been. 

Am I still a Pastor? Yep. Yes, I am.