Ten Years After "Pastoring"

Preaching circa 2008

“Are you still a Pastor?” I was asked this question yesterday by a dear older lady from the church I used to lead. What’s the answer? I don’t know. Am I? Am I not? I mean, I have the card in my wallet and an ordination plaque on my wall. I am part of our group of district pastors. But, do I “pastor” people? I don’t know. Ask the people in my life. Ask my family. Ask the Integer Network team I lead. I think they would be the only ones with the authority to answer that question. 

What I do know is that her question made me reflect. What I do know is that this month marks TEN YEARS since “leaving the Pastorate” and it’s taken me most of the last decade to figure out who I actually am!!  What I also know is that the vocational role of “Pastor,” if understood as leading a church and preaching every Sunday, had a way of convoluting my identity like nothing else I’ve experienced in my life. It was a Job. But I mistook it for my personhood.  I am still not totally sure what it is or why this happens. But what I experienced (and many other Pastors I know have also experienced) is that “Pastor” becomes WHO YOU ARE, not what you do. And here’s the deal: our identity can only be found in WHO we are, not WHAT job we work or role we carry out. That simply just never works! Roles can feed our sense of self but cannot serve as our center, our foundation. The only root that lasts is our belovedness and value given to us by God, who declares us fully loved and completely accepted, with or without any role. 

I miss many things about “Pastoring”- communicating weekly, leading a community of faith, loving so many people, caring for a team of other leaders, seeing people grow and transform in faith….but I do not miss being blind. I do not miss the way my ego stayed unchecked and hidden. I do not miss the confusion I lived with about who I actually was. I do not miss the ridiculous expectations others carried for the holy man. And I am NOT suggesting that this is the experience of every Pastor. I know it isn’t. It was MY experience. And I have spent the last ten years finding Noah. And I like him, whether he leads anything or not! Whether he is on a stage or not. In fact, I am busy discovering things I never knew I liked. And I am having so much fun and living with more freedom than I ever have in my life.

The future is bright. And I reckon I will “Pastor” for the rest of my life…if Pastoring means loving people and shepherding their hearts. If it is about caring for, teaching and protecting people, count me in! So, I guess the answer is yes. Ten years later, I am still a Pastor. In fact, I feel more capable of loving more deeply today than I ever have. So, maybe I am more of a Pastor now than I have ever been. 

Am I still a Pastor? Yep. Yes, I am. 

4 Things Constraint Therapy Is Teaching Me

Over the last year, Graceson’s rehabilitation progress has pretty much plateaued. In a search for other options to keep him developing, his overseeing medical team suggested Constraint Therapy. So, the entire month of February, Graceson is participating in a Constraint Therapy Program at KKI in Baltimore. He just finished his first week and we have already learned a ton. First, let me say, he is doing SO well. Basically, they put a cast on his good arm, force him to use his bad arm, and require him to have 3 hours of therapy EVERY day in Baltimore for one whole month. It is intense! But, frankly, it is all way harder for US than him! Hard schedule. Hard to watch. He is a champion…resilient, positive, brave and spirited. We hope it makes the impact we long for. 

My mind has been active this week taking in the various lessons this experience is already teaching me. I would like to share some of them with you. 

1. We all prefer what’s easy. Ever since Graceson experienced his stroke in 2017, he prefers to use his left arm, hand and leg for most things. He uses righty when he HAS to. His brain can communicate much faster and clearer with his left side, so he prefers what’s easy. And so do you and I. We do this all the time without even knowing it. Every day we are making subconscious choices to do what’s easy. We just don’t see it and no one is pointing it out. 

2. We can do more than we think we can. We are the ones that place these limits on ourselves. We can always do more than we think we can. The only thing stopping us is our brain! Graceson’s brain is limiting him in a way that is noticeable. Your brain and mine are playing sneaky tricks on us all the time convincing us that we cant do things that we absolutely can. 

3. You can rewire your brain in 30 days if you are willing to be pushed. So, being in constraint therapy with Graceson this month is teaching me a really important lesson…if you are willing to be limited and pushed in the short term, there is big payoff in the long term. For 30 days Graceson will be blocked from using his left arm and hand. And it is frustrating. But as he pushes through, his brain is literally creating new pathways for what’s possible. He is discovering things he can do with his righty that he never knew were possible. The same thing would happen for you and I if we were willing to tolerate something extreme to stretch us. 

4. Be careful. Things are sometimes the exact opposite of what they look like. The day he got casted and finished his first treatment, I took Graceson to Five Below to pick a toy out. As we approached the checkout counter, the cashier said harmlessly “What happened buddy? How did you hurt your arm?” Graceson looked at me with a mix of fear and confusion. “What do I say, Daddy?” I guided him through it and walked out realizing a big lesson. Sometimes things are OPPOSITE what they look like. In this case, that is 100% true. He actually “hurt” the arm without the cast and the one with the cast is perfectly fine. Tuck this lesson away. You may need it someday. 

A final word… Other than my son, Graceson is two things for me: My hero and my teacher. There are so many ways that I look up to him and there are tons of things I am learning from him. Tricia and I don’t know what the future holds for him or where all of this is going, but I got a feeling. And it’s a good one. 

PS: Shout to our adopted Parents Joni and Pat Kellar who are sharing this load with us. Without them, we are dead in the water. How we love them.

International Trip Gifts

I’ve lost track of how many international trips I’ve taken in the last decade. They are often and mostly focused on serving others through relationship, teaching, empowering, coaching, etc. I try to be careful not to brag on the “doing.” I don’t want the work done and love shown to be lessened by my need for ego and affirmation. I’m working for a much higher cause. However, each journey does all kinds of things TO me, FOR me and IN me. I not only give, but profoundly receive. I’ve noticed the following each time I go and return:

Inner renewal. It’s always hard work, but different work. A reset of sorts happens. I can literally measure the differences inside me on a return flight. Hard to explain, but impossible to deny. 

Fresh perspective. On the world. On suffering. About my troubles and worries. About what’s important and what isn’t. I’m walking away from this one with some clear and new perspective for Integer East Africa!

Deeper appreciation. For my wife. For my kids. For the fiends I have around the world. For the sheer joy of the opportunity to do what I do. 

New frustrations. With how I’ve forgotten the reality of many in our world. With myself and my fellow privileged friends who care about luxuries as if they are necessities. With local people I visit and how their thinking or culture limits their future. 

Helpful reframing. Of what is and is not important. Of the last season. For the coming season. For what must stop and what must start. Nothing polishes and purges a task list and calendar like 2 weeks in the big world. 

Emotional funkies. It always takes a few days to make sense of my heart. And experiences. And feelings. I’ve learned to write out, organize and process what I’m experiencing. This helps it matter more and stick longer. 

Maybe these thoughts can help you too. Grace and peace.

Hopes For The New Decade: 2020-2030

Thoughts from January 1, 2020…

Here we go. A new year and a new decade starts today. In one sense it’s just another day. The stuff that matters most in life is unaware of a calendar. But yet, it IS significant to us. I like to think in seasons. Here’s a small window into a few things that I WILL mark this decade with. Did you catch that? I will. We can’t rely on other people or our tentativeness to live the life we dream of. It’s YOU. And it’s NOW. And it’s YES. Here’s some of my focus areas. 

1. Life Enjoyment. This shall, and I mean shall, include getting healthy, becoming more active, doing outdoor things I’ve never believed possible, playing more, traveling more for fun and not just work and making way more “experience memories” with my wife and kids. This last decade was way too serious. 🤙🏼🌅

2. Intentional Communication. I’ll do tons more public communication output through speaking, writing, videos, podcasts and whatever new medium we start using this decade. I feel ready to share more deeply, frequently and broadly out of who I am and what I’ve learned and am learning. I’m turning it up. 🎤🖊 

3. Continued Inner Work. With my level of output, input becomes even more important. I’m so deeply aware that my heart needs care, my soul needs tending to, my motivations needs regularly examined and I need the precious and strong work of wise counselors and Holy Spirit to be ever at work in me. Formation didn’t just mark the last decade. It will mark this next one too! Until death. ❤️

4. Grow my professional network and shrink my personal network. Wish me luck. I need more “clients” and less “friends.” I’ve stretched myself too thin relationally (for some good and some unhealthy reasons) and it’s not benefiting me or my friends. We both deserve better. Maybe since I’ve been so good at making friends, I’ll apply #2 above and teach others how to live more relationally. 😉

5. Integer Impact. In this decade Integer Network will grow exponentially and far beyond my reach and grasp. Thousands of leaders and teams wiIl be coached into transforming levels of authenticity and wholeness. Since the day I founded it, I’ve listened to God’s nudge to let her grow naturally and not force her to happen for my own name and gain. Many others will lead, shape and expand Integer Network this decade and there will be massive global impact. It’s gonna be a blast. 🌎

Reflections from the Last Decade: 2010-2020

Thoughts from December 31, 2019…

Today is the end of a decade. This time in 2009 we were post-sabbatical and pre-resignation from the Pastorate. Within this last decade our family has lived in 3 nations and traversed the earth. We have been loved, shaped and changed in ways we could’ve never imagined possible. We’ve experienced great success and major crisis. As I wrap of this decade I summarize it with 4 words:

Crucible: This last decade has been a crucible for Tricia and I. A time of deepening work and intense attention to our inner lives and places of pain. We have found and faced tons of mess inside our tender little hearts. 

Formed: Through it we’ve been formed. We are completely different humans. Africa alone can change you. Add in loss, pain, suffering, death, sickness, exposure, success, wins, influence, a global network of relationships and you get a recipe for major FORMation. 

Saved: I was saved 100 times as a child. But, I feel like I have been saved again in the last 5-10 years. I found a God I hadn’t met before. I rediscovered Jesus...and it felt like it was the first time. He saved me...again. I feel saved from destroying myself through ego. Saved from ruining my future and my family by living and leading for all the wrong motivations. And saved from theology that was harmful and hopeless. A new theology has ushered in a new identity in me. And holy wow, it’s been a gift. 

Ready: Ready to rock and roll. Ready to live with remarkable intention. Ready to step into this next decade a new person. Ready to keep on loving, growing and facing my shit...so I can keep loving others well. We feel ready. Ready for whatever comes. Ready to say yes to what is FOR us and ready to say NO to what is not. Ready to live more others-centered and Jesus-inspired than ever before.